Get it off the desk.

Finding time at home.

One task done. Could I do more?

Warm soup fills my soul.

    My hobby world has been down tuned since the end of Dungeon Fest. This isn't to say it has become negative, dower, melancholic, or the like. I would equate it more with a feeling of a lower frequency, a slower flow. In the most idealistic, romantic sense: a return of the hobby to being just a hobby. I find I am more wanting to chip away at unfinished models and goals, rather than be subsumed by the glut of "what is the next thing?". Excuse me, I need to stop writing a moment to drink and eat some more of the soup I made for dinner.

...

Mmmm, good soup (clear broth, scratch made, chicken + soft tofu as protein. Lots of veggies). Where was I?

...

    I've been consumed, as of late, with where I could be. How things could be. How I want things to be. I look back over the past five years and I am not particularly thrilled with how my 30s have been, in a macro sense (my ex told me 30s are an awesome time. Mine started right before the pandemic and they've been on a roller coaster ever since.) I want to be earning more money (a $5/h raise would make me breathe a lot easier right now. For transparency, I am making $22/h right now.) I would like to not be living in my current province. I want to be able to financially help my partner with her debts and give us experiences that are not accessible to us. Due to where we are, again, financially. Seeing a theme?

    But I had a quiet moment tonight that nudged me in a direction away from this potential looming spiral. As I touched my laptop and began the habitual act of sitting on the couch after work, I verbally said to myself, "No." I made a conscious choice. I knew if I did this simple thing of going onto YouTube that I would "come to" to one to one & a half hours just gone and only the memories of a YouTube hole to account for it. So I chose to do different. I emptied the dishwasher, refilled the dishwasher, started a load of laundry and started to make dinner. I did all that in about one hour.

    At which point, after looking at the clock, I said to myself, "Nice. That was a decent amount of stuff that is now off the mental load." Which lead into the next thought of, "What is one more thing I could do before dinner?" Between 17:30 and 18:45 I proceeded to just go "One more simple task", and by the time I sat down for dinner I felt a gentle confidence within myself. I chose not to "veg out", got things done, and realized that I am capable of doing simple tasks after getting home from work. Not like I wasn't before, just a simple mental river had be crossed that reminded me I could.

    These tasks that I did didn't alter where I was in life. They didn't make me financially richer. They didn't fill me with a sense of purpose of meaning. What they did do was allow me to feel autonomy. Something that I have missed for a moment in my life. I've been bouncing and floating through 2024. Not feeling like I had a place to land. No place to rebuild myself upon. So with this flighty energy meant that parts of life feel beyond my influence. Changing the dishes and doing a simple reorganizing of the fridge reminded me that big changes need to be built upon the strong frame of little changes first.

    It reminds me of a line I believe Stilgar says in Dune (the novel). Its lived in a paraphrased form in my head since I read it, "the slow way is the best way." I know this isn't it but it is how my mind has reinterpreted the sentiment of the original forgotten line. I know a fault within myself is I want to rush to points within life. I want to rush to financial freedom. I want to rush to having adventures with my amazing partner. I want to rush to the point where I can enjoy the back half of my life with a carefree attitude of a child. I try to find ways to "min/max" my situation and all that leads to (when I pull back) is just a rearrangement of the furniture. 

    I've forgotten the Taoist principle of The Way (that I have held dear to since learning of it years ago). To not fight the river when crossing it, but to flow with it. To still end up on the other side of it as intended, but maybe a little further down then the original target (which is no worry, as you can just walk back to where you wanted to be). Stilgar's paraphrased words have been echoing within me because I had lost my place with The Way. I wouldn't say I have rediscovered where I was before. It is more akin to climbing a tree and seeing again where your next intended destination is, in relation to where you are now. As of right now, I would say I am beginning to climb said tree.

    What does this mean for tonight? For Tomorrow? For the rest of this year? Being patient and kind to myself. To consciously make time to literally put my home in order. No big "set aside a whole weekend for a lot of work", just a small chip away at things. A floor swept on Tuesday. Laundry folded on Wednesday. A living room tied on Thursday, and so on. I desire to take back control of my space and allow The Way to enter my home again. If I do these simple things, I will be in a better state of mind at work. Open to opportunities life casually puts before me. Ready to take on challenges and puzzles with the mind & emotional state of an adult, not a child. 

    With this sense of ease and flow, I can then look upon my hobby desk as a place of potential. Not a place of duty. It will return to being a refuge from the slings & arrows of existence, it will return to be what it is "a hobby". In 2024, I have not been the hobbiest I was in 2023. To put it better, the relationship I have had with and attitude I have taken towards the hobby in 2024 has not been a net positive growth from how it was in 2023. I would like to course-correct that come 2025 (oh god, I swear this is not a "New Years Resolution" thing). I would like to stop pushing back against things and remind myself to go with things again.

    So for tonight, that may just mean having another bowl of soup while I listen to my partner cram for her final. It may mean wiping off the oil wash I applied to a model, the other night. Ultimately, because I did a small favour to myself (by doing a couple simple acts that help my household) I can properly relax this night and go into tomorrow with a better state of mind and being.

I hope life treats you with a small kindness.